Friday, August 30, 2013

I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike.

[Currently listening to: "Dream A Little Dream Of Me" by The Mamas & The Papas]

For those of you who know me (and for those of you who stalk my blog because you're a BOE supporter and you like to point out on my SPEAK for DCSD Facebook page that I refer to the collective BOE members as "douchers" in my personal blog, a statement that I stand behind to this day--hey, if they don't want to be referred to as douchers, perhaps they should stop acting like a bunch of douchers, eh? What did I expect, though? Your group found a way to gain access to my personal emails between me and my children's teachers, so why wouldn't you read my personal blog that's published on the internet? /rant.) you know that I love CrossFit. I'm addicted to CrossFit. Mark my words: one day I will have a lean, mean, muscular machine of a body. I'm getting there. My thighs currently don't fit into my Rock Revival skinny jeans because they're becoming so muscly fantastic. I'm also having a difficult time with non-stretchy dress shirt sleeves because my biceps are growing. Yes, I know. I'm not the typical Highlands Ranch woman. We've gone over that, remember? You can't fence me in, yo'. When I go to CrossFit and hear women say, "I don't want to get bulky. I want to stay thin." I pretty much shake my head, look at my kick-ass muscular friends, Meredith and Ashley, and load up my bar with heavy weights. Well, heavy for me anyhow. That being said, I love, love, love shopping in vintage shops. Women in the 1950s and 1960s weren't exactly muscular (or had obnoxiously big boobs), so it limits my selection a bit. That's okay, though... when I do find something that I love AND fits me, it's a total thrill. Also, it keeps my shopping to a minimum because it's not like I can buy whatever I want. 

Unknown FACT about Rizzle: I have always loved riding my bike. By "bike", I mean my $99 Target Schwinn. 

Biking can be a bit intimidating when you live in Colorado. People out here take that s**t to a whole 'nother level. Speaking of which, what on earth do all you people do for a living??? No matter what time of day I'm out driving, I see you all on the road in your matching outfits and bicycles that cost upwards of all of my cars combined. I want your job (Seriously. Contact me if you're hiring because I need a job and I want one when I can be out exploring my state at random periods throughout the week.)

When I first moved back to the 3-0-3, I hit the trail with my Schwinn. Oh the looks that were thrown my way! You'd think I was in high school all over again, sitting at the nerd table while all the cheerleaders sit at the popular table. To say I didn't fit into the world of bicycling would be an understatement. I didn't have the helmet that matched the sunglasses, that matched the outfit, that matched the bike, that matched the socks, that matched the shoes, that hooked onto the pedals, that matched the water bottle. I also did not shave off all my body hair to make myself aerodynamic and knock nanoseconds off my time in the adult league of bicycle riding. If you're not from Colorado, I've taken a few pictures to illustrate my point. 

See that guy? He's got his act together. The fact that he has two water bottle holders also lets me know that he's serious about his sport. I don't even own a yellow "Live Strong" bracelet, for crying out loud! I would be cast out as an imposter for sure! Who wants to go through that shame?! Certainly not me. I gave up my pipe dream of being a bicyclist, hung up my $99 Target Schwinn and went about my life.

Remember the theme for this blog? Never say never... [see the PBR blog if you're confused]

My fella, Kick-Ass Chris, owns Big Kahuna Bicycles in Littleton. One day he surprised me with a mountain bike. I must admit, I noticed this mountain bike from afar in his shop one day, but never said anything to him. Out of all the bikes in his shop (he has a great selection) he surprised me with the very bike I had a crush on! I know, right?! CrossFit is awesome. It's the love of my life, actually. I do have to say, though, that I sometimes cheat on CrossFit. I know, I know. I've discovered the tawdry mistress of mountain biking. If it makes you feel better, CrossFit, I totally think of you the entire time I'm with my mountain bike (I don't), and my bike means nothing to me (it totally does.) 

Here's the new man in my life: 

It's as if this bike was designed for me! It's called "El Mariachi" and it's made by Salsa. [insert grito yell here] For those of you who haven't figured this out yet, I'm Mexican. Throw in the awesome Spanish names AND add the vibrant green color, and you've got yourself a recipe for the perfect Chérie bike! I haven't named my bike yet, but I feel as though it needs an awesome Spanish name... like Vicente, Juan Carlos or Miguel. I'm totally open to suggestions, so let me know if you think of something. Not only did Kick-Ass Chris surprise me with this stellar bike, but he took it a step further and tricked it out. I have nice wheels, cool tires, great grips and a fancy, schmancy seat among other things. Oh, I also have a water bottle holder. Apparently those things don't come standard in mountain bikes. This thing is seriously nicer than my swagga' wagon, which is fitting for living in Colorado. 

I'm a novice when it comes to mountain biking. The thing I have going for me is the fact that I love the thrill and, thanks to CrossFit, my thighs are bigger than most dudes' thighs, so I can pedal a little harder than most novices. See, CrossFit, I told you I thought of you. I go on trails with Chris, who is a phenomenal mountain biker, and I look like a wimp. Riding with Chris actually makes me feel like less of a person. That's okay, though, because one day I'm gonna take him to CrossFit. That'll show him. ;) 

One of my favorite things about mountain biking is that I can do it by myself. I can mount my bike onto my van and the world becomes my oyster. One of my favorite trails is the Two-Brands Trail at
Hildebrand Ranch in Littleton.

This was also my first single track trail. It was super fun and just enough of a challenge for me. Chris let me use one of his Big Kahuna bicycle shirts so I could look like the other bad-asses on the trail. Kelly gave me her padded bicycle shorts so I didn't have to sit on one of those inflatable donuts due to a sore booty. 

Chris then took me to ride a trail in Buffalo Creek. Let's just say Buffalo Creek was a totally different experience. It kicked my butt. Also, I may or may not have ran into a tree.

The scenery was beautiful! Since we went during the week, we pretty much had to trail all to ourselves. Mark my words, Buffalo Creek, I will be coming back to conquer you.

After our long ride, we stopped at the town store to purchase a refreshing beverage. No bottle opener? No problemo!

Yes, he's opening our Coke bottles with his bicycle pedal. They're multi-functional--they can open beer bottles, too! It's the little things that excite me. I haven't reached the point of having fancy shoes that clip into fancy pedals, but one day...

Here are things I've learned about mountain bikers: they're much different than road bikers. They're laid back, rebels and don't conform to the matchy-matchy outfits of road biking. Don't get me wrong--matchy-matchy outfits is cool if you have them. [in my ghetto accent] I ain't got no money for no matchy-matchy outfit. Besides, I would look like an idiot because I'm not nearly as good as the people who wear the matchy-matchy outfits. I've decided that I stand more than I sit while mountain biking my favorite Hildebrand trail. That being said, I became tired of getting the weird bicycle short tan. I couldn't find booty bicycle shorts anywhere, so I came up with a solution. 

Me: "I'm tired of getting the weird bike short tan. Would it be frowned upon if I wore bikini bottoms on the trail?"

Chris: "Um... men might be distracted, but I think you'd be the hit of the trail." 

Me: "Done."

Who has two thumbs and doesn't have a weird tan from her bicycle shorts? This girl! I was so proud of my discovery that I almost Pinterested (is that a word?) it. 

Here's my latest trick-outery:

It's a computer thingy to tell me my mileage, distance, etc. When I went to pick it up from Chris' shop, I noticed he also added a thing to my handlebars so I could put my favorite beer cap on. Since my favorite beer comes in a can (Mama's Little Yella Pils), Chris took the liberty of putting a Bud Light Lime cap on to match my bike. :) 

If you have never been mountain biking, I highly suggest giving it a try. It's so freeing and fun! Plus, you can do so many things to make your bike awesome. Personally, I'd like to add a basket and a coconut cup holder to my mountain bike, but Chris says it will be frowned upon on the trails. I said I didn't care. Then he put his foot down and told me no. It was worth a try. ;)