[Currently listening to: "The Scientist" by Coldplay]
I've learned to have a love-hate relationship with my iPhone (sorry, Steve). I'm tied down to my phone. Whether it's a text message, an email, a Facebook post, a post to the SPEAK for DCSD page, a Google alert, a calendar reminder, an appointment reminder, an alarm, etc. They used to not bug me... I actually used to look forward to receiving text messages and whatnot. Now, notsomuch. I either receive something that makes me smile, or something that brings my entire day down. It's the yin and the yang that has become my life, and quite honestly, it's exhausting.
To say that my life has been chaotic these past few months would be an understatement. I had three choices: I could either swim, sink or drown. Since I was a kick-ass swim instructor and lifeguard through high school and college, I've chosen the "swim" path. If you knew my past, you'd know why this choice was a no-brainer for me. Have I received judgements from people? Absolutely. Will that change the way I act, feel or see things? Absolutely not.
I've posted some fun stuff on Facebook, but for the most part, I've kept a huge part of my life private. I have also been keeping my head down and my eyes on the two most important people in my life--my kiddos. Divorce is a funny thing. Not only are you divorcing your spouse, but you're divorcing friends, too. There is definitely a line drawn in the sand when a divorce happens. The "his" and "hers" side, depending on who they decide is the innocent one in the divorce. If I was ever that person, I apologize. I never want to be that person. People are people. You will never, ever understand what went on behind closed doors in my home, nor will I ever understand what goes on in yours. These very reasons are why I have disconnected from many people in my life.
There are times in our lives when we need to suck it up, pick up the pieces and move on. I'm an expert at sucking things up... or pushing them down, depending on how you want to look at it. I've always been a go-getter, and I'm a problem solver by nature. I'm kind of like a dude in that way--you tell me your problem and I will help you solve it.
As many of you know, I was recently in an accident (fell into a ravine, concussion, etc...). I am also in the last stage of divorce. All this being said, I've had to ask people for help, which is difficult for me since I'm usually the one helping people. I love to help people, but I absolutely hate asking for help. [Insert humbling experience from God here] I have a few close family members and friends who have been my crutch during this chaotic, emotional time of my life. I honestly have no idea how I would function without these people.
I know this blog has been rambly (I'm officially making that a word), but my brain has been a bit rambly lately. Maybe it's the concussion; maybe it's the divorce. Divorce makes you question everything in your life... your past decisions, emotions, reactions... or as I like to call them, the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" moments in life. Today has been a bad day. Quite honestly, today has been the suck. I woke up this morning thinking this day would be much different. This weekend would be much different. Then I stepped out of bed and poof! Suck day. I can't complain too much, especially since I am completely responsible for Suck Day 2013.
As a mom, I've put everything aside for my family. My school, my life, my career. It has all been about my family. Now I am the person who is left with nothing. No career. Part-time mom. No house. Nothing. The man gets off much easier. He has a career. He has his life established. I think that men sometimes forget how much their wives do. If you're a married man reading this, thank your wife. Buy her some flowers or something (make sure they're not imaginary, mimed flowers... women tend to frown upon that sort of thing). He has everything, including "one less person to take care of" in his life. Please don't think I'm discounting the man's role. If it weren't for my ex busting his rear at work, I wouldn't have been able to raise our children. We had a partnership, but just because I didn't bring in a physical paycheck, it does not mean that I didn't work. Remember how I said this blog is rambly? Don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm learning how to focus on me. It's difficult when you're a people person, but I have to. My world right now consists of my children and me. I am in survival mode. I will survive, too. [Insert "Survivor" by Destiny's Child here] I am resilient; I am strong. I refuse to let myself or others beat me up simply because I was the person who waved the white flag in the air and said, "Enough." I'm also not going to apologize for having happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be loved. Life is too short, folks. I refuse to lock myself in my house and cry my life away. Been there, done that. I've said before that I won't go into the awful details, and I'm keeping that promise. I know I put off the confident, strong girl vibe. Deep down, I am really sad, hurt and angry. I'm allowed to feel those things. I've learned that all I can do is hold myself accountable, accept the consequences, pick up the pieces and move on. In short, I've decided to suck it up, Buttercup.